It’s 2020, y’all! I have to say it feels pretty weird because I remember the night it turned 2000 like it was yesterday (anyone remember these glasses very distinctly?). But here we are and honestly, I’m actually really excited about 2020. Not in a ‘Thank God 2019 is Over’ kind of way, although there are quite a few things I don’t mind leaving in the past, but because I have a renewed energy for 2020 that I thought I’d never have.
Ever since I got out of school in 2016, I’ve been looking for The Thing. You know – the dream, the ambition, the career. To me this is especially important because basically my entire self worth relies on The Thing. I’m the happiest when I’m working towards The Thing. It gives my life meaning and direction and gives me confidence to weather other storms. In high school, The Thing was to be Theatre club president (I know lol). I wanted it more than anything in the world and I did everything I could to get it. It was hard work and incredibly time consuming, but I was so happy working toward it that I look back on those years as some of the best ones in my life. I had a lot of fun and amazing friends, too, but working hard for that goal is what stands out so distinctly to me from those years. In the aftermath of my parent’s divorce, in the challenging transition to a completely new school district, in the awkwardness of high school hormones, I still look back and crave that feeling I had of working towards something because nothing else mattered. (Do I sound like a workaholic psychopath yet?)
All of this to say that to spend the last three years floundering for direction has been pretty unbearable. Don’t get me wrong, there are things that I’m incredibly proud of from this time: getting my Masters degree, living abroad, ending a particularly toxic relationship, bouncing back after getting laid off twice in three months, making a life for myself in a completely new city. But between those moments of pride have been many, many depressed nights, lots of unsuccessful job applications, dozens of therapy appointments trying to figure out what I want, and more tearful calls to my mom than she deserved. I’ve had 5 jobs since I graduated from grad school and I’ve never felt even remotely satisfied by any of them. I have good days and amazing co-workers, of course, but none of them have ever been The Thing.
But I’m making progress. After a lot of thinking, praying, and working through things with my therapist I think I’ve finally landed on The Thing. I’m not going to get into specifics (which I know is lame but I’m fairly convinced that will jinx it) but I just have a really good feeling about this one and I haven’t had a good feeling like this in a long time. I’m sure I’ll start to talk about it more in time, but right now I’m just really cherishing going into 2020 with drive and direction. There’s honestly NO better feeling in the world to me than having a goal and knowing I’m going to crush the hell out of it this year.
Besides working on The Thing, I’m really excited to just try and enjoy more of my life in Madison this year! I’ve spent the last 3 years here feeling angsty as hell, so I’m pumped to let go of all that and just enjoy the fun life I’ve made here. I’ve already got a couple of really fun partnerships with Madison events lined up for January that I’m excited about and I really feel like the world is my oyster right now. As for resolutions, I’m not really making specific goals this year, but I do have a few things I’m excited to make more time for in 2020:
- Reading. I’ve been building up my reading stamina the last couple of weeks and really want to get into the habit of chugging through books again. I took some time away from reading because I was so burnt out after 5 years straight of reading 3 books a week for school. But I find myself missing it a lot and have read a couple of books lately that have reignited my love of fiction. I’m not setting a number goal, but I want to consistently read again. Now, getting my library books back on time? That’s a whole other thing…
- Exercising. After getting injured in September during my marathon training I took a few months away from working out, which felt awful. I know it was the right thing to do for my body, but I’ve never felt more low in my life. Over the past two months, I’ve been gradually ramping up my runs and workouts and finally feel like I can hit it hard again, which is such a relief. Working out makes me feel so good and powerful and I can’t wait to get back into a routine again.
- Actually writing. I love my blog and am really proud of how far it came in 2019, but I’ve felt sort of paralyzed by perfection lately and I want to shake that off. My blog is my little corner of the internet and I want to talk about whatever the hell I want to talk about! It’s my journal and my space to share the things, people, activities I love (or hate or love to hate). Yes, I still want to create quality content, but I want to do a lot more of this – actually sitting down and writing out what I’m thinking about. Since I’m an introvert (albeit a very outgoing one), I spend so much time alone and I realize that so much of my life no one even knows about! So here’s to more life updates, random posts about shit I like, and more oversharing.
- Going back to Church. Fun fact about me: I wanted to be a minister for a long time! I’ve preached several times at my home church, I interned twice with my church in high school, and thought really seriously about going to divinity school after college. Obviously that’s not the path I chose (and it’s not The Thing), but I’ve always really cherished my relationship with my faith. I was lucky to grow up in a super liberal and accepting church and had many amazing mentors (my minister actually recommended I apply to Bryn Mawr, my alma mater) and as I get older the more I understand how rare that was. I’ve missed going to Church in the last few years – I found a couple of do-fors but just never found somewhere that clicked. It can be emotionally exhausting looking for a new Church and I’m not going to put a lot of pressure on myself – I guess I’m just putting it out into the universe and seeing what happens.
I can’t say that I’m sad to see 2019 go – it’s been one of the tougher years for my mental health – but I’m really excited with how I’m starting 2020 and all the possibility the coming decade has. I’m feeling more positive than I have in a long time and I’m going to hang on to that for dear life. Happy 2020 y’all! Let’s do this thing!